Everyone's #1. Really???

Boy, are we in trouble.  Just when I thought I'd heard of every Politically Correct/nurturing/self-esteem building tactic around--I read a Twitter message from business author Marcus Buckingham (@mwbuckingham) last night:

"My daughter was '1st' in her dance competition. Then she learned this meant 3rd, behind Top 1st, & Elite 1st. She could've handled the truth"

What?!!!  "Top 1st?"  "Elite 1st?"  Are you KIDDING me?! I have some real concerns for when young people hit my domain: The American Workplace.  If everyone comes in feeling special, and elite--and they've all been pumped-up with praise (often unwarranted)--what happens when things don't go their way?  When they meet with disappointment?  When they don't get acknowledged with winning "President's Club" or "Employee of the Year/Quarter/Month?"  What about when a boss isn't satisfied with the quality of effort/result in a project?  Will young people crash with despair?  Lose hope?  

It is precisely the journey of EXPERIENCING the joys and sorrows of life that ultimately teaches us how to COPE.  In the absence of having experienced challenging times/heartbreak/disappointment...we end up completely UNPREPARED for when these inevitable realities occur.  So, making everyone a "Winner"--where everyone gets a trophy (for participating!), and everyone is uniquely special and talented--is really doing a DISSERVICE to them...it's just not realistic.

I am reminded of when my then-8-year old son was finishing up his 3rd round of golf--EVER!--and checked-in with me for verification of his talents: "Dad, I'm really good, aren't I?!"  I wouldn't take the bait. "Son, I feel you're right where you're supposed to be after 3 rounds of golf.  Keep at it."  But, this was not what he wanted to hear.  He wanted confirmation of his uniqueness: "But, Dad...seriously: I'm really good, right?"  Now, some of you may be pleading with me at this moment, hoping I nurtured his potential, and gave him hope and inspiration to work toward becoming a splendid Amateur Golfer.  Sorry. "Son, you're progressing as you should be for a golfer who has been on the course three times.  Keep having fun and practicing.  I'm sure enjoying being with you."

Marcus' Twitter comment called to mind an article I read last year by David Brooks of The New York Times entitled, "We Are Not That Special."  He shared research that showed that in the 1950s, 12 percent of high school seniors said they were a "very important person." By the '90s, 80 percent said they believed they were!  Wow!  What an uptick in self-esteem/perception!  Jean Twenge of San Diego State University was also referenced in the article calling attention to the fact that young people are "bathed in messages telling them how special they are" and that these messages are often "untethered to evidence of actual merit" (love that line!).

Also cited were Roni Rabin of The Times who noted research that found that college students would rather receive a compliment than eat their favorite food or have sex. 

OK.  It's official: we have gone too far with praise for our kids.  Here's hoping your own kid comes in 3rd--or worse!--and that they experience what that FEELS like.  Seems it's an essential component of developing into a fully-functioning adult.  And, we NEED fully-functioning adults who can handle tough (realistic) feedback and can be challenged to strive for even greater levels of achievement at work...

Will someone please tell me this was an incredible post, and maybe send me an E-Certificate of Achievement?  

"The Privilege of Facilitating"

For readers interested in Facilitating/Training...
My latest "Front of the Room" column in SPBT's "FOCUS MAGAZINE" can be viewed here:

http://tinyurl.com/6pz5vkb

The "Agenda" Dilemma!



If you are a professional Trainer ("Learner Advocate!") prone to distributing Agendas (with specific times in them) to your participants, here's a link to a brief article I wrote for FOCUS Magazine on the subject:

http://www.nxtbook.com/nxtbooks/focus/2011fall/index.php?startid=18

Are the benefits to Learners greater than the potential drawbacks?  Hmm...Food for thought!  Enjoy... 

What Presenters Can Learn from Baseball...

"But then...something happens...and in that moment--awesome or lousy--

you are living something you will never forget, something that jumps out of the toneless roar of day-to-day life."                                                                        Joe Posnanski, Sports Writer

http://joeposnanski.si.com/2011/09/29/baseball-night-in-america/>

The quote above was from a blog post about baseball, and how last night was one of the most memorable nights in recent memory--with 4 teams tied for 2 different Wild Cards for the Playoffs.  Posnanski acknowledged that--yes--baseball is boring…but it is in the moments where the unexpected happens (pitcher blows lead in bottom of the 9th; runner gives his all to 1st base on sure-out grounder--despite not needing to win the game (already clinched playoffs); pitcher shakes-off 4+ signals from the catcher, etc.) that makes it stand out  (jump out!) for us. 

For me--Posnanski's point also makes the case that Presenters need to give their audiences the unexpected…jar them from their "normal" expectations…That's what helps make things memorable:

*  If every presentation seems to start off with a bio about the presenter and a ton of slides with lots and lots of text--do something unexpected!

*  If the audience expects the Presenter to do all of the work (talking)--do something unexpected!  Get audiene INVOLVED!

*  If audience expects Presenter to be at Podium (or in front of room)--do something unexpected!

*  If audience expects Presenter to handle the summary of key "takeways"--do something unexpected!  

So, let's commit to breaking out of the "toneless roar of day-to-day" presentations!  Consider the argument shared in a 2009 article by Shumpeter in The Economist: "There is no long-term comparative advantage in being forgettable."

Strategies for Opening Presentations ("connecting" with an audience)

Below is a link to a brief article I wrote for FOCUS Magazine on creative ways to get an audience ENGAGED with your topic when presenting:
     http://tinyurl.com/3fkbphq

     Let me know if you try something new as a result of reading the article!

Audience Check-In Tips

Ask someone who’s just delivered a presentation how things went, and you often hear something like, “Um…I think it went pretty well.”  Ask further, “What might be different for the audience as a result of the presentation?”--and you may see shrugged shoulders and a quizzical expression on his/her face.  Don’t know about you, but I tend to desire a stronger sense of how things have gone when I’ve presented…so, I want more data from the audience.  I want to do some research.  I want to know what—if any—delta (change) has occurred.  So, I conduct “mini-debriefs” or “audience check-ins” throughout my deliveries.

To "debrief" means to "question to obtain knowledge or gather intelligence."  It's helpful to begin debriefs with open-ended questions such as:

*  What are you thinking about after that content?
*  What--if anything--struck you about that?
*  What's on your mind?
*  How do you react to this information?
The benefit of debriefs is that they provide an opportunity for the presenter to gauge--or check-in--with where an audience is in its thinking or understanding.  It is NOT a time to seek AGREEMENT or ensure "buy-in" (this cheapens the experience, and serves to try and push people through pre-determined hoops).  An ideal mindset for presenters is, "It's all Good!"  They should ACCEPT whatever content is shared from the audience—even when it is different than hoped for, or even contrary to goal of presentation-- and NOT try to "fix" (at least initially) a viewpoint shared from a learner.  Better to focus on helping the other feel heard.  Worth repeating: better to help the other feel HEARD. 

“OK…yes.  For you, this new idea feels like it might make us feel good to be doing SOMETHING—but, it may not ultimately be an effective thing to do.”  This format can greatly reduce the chance a speaker creates an adversarial situation, or a power struggle with an audience member. 

After getting several audience member perspectives, it can also be helpful to give a summary:

"OK...we've got a variety of takes on this topic.  Some are excited about the proposed direction; some concerned; others waiting to decide—and still others are a little fearful we’ve been down this road before.”
(Demonstrating this, "It's all Good" mindset actually serves to enhance the credibility of presenter, and raises safety in the room).  

If the speaker has additional ideas or information that may influence the audience’s perspective/concern, a strategy that can be helpful is to provide a teaser that establishes some credibility and generates interest—and offers the audience a chance to have ownership in whether it wants to hear the additional information:

“I recently read some research that explored a very similar issue [credibility]…would it be helpful if I shared a couple of their findings with you [ownership]?”

This approach heightens the chance that the audience may be more receptive to hearing the additional information because they had ownership in choosing to hear it.  By the way, if they had said “no,” it would have likely indicated they still hadn’t felt heard by the speaker!

A presentation shouldn’t be done TO an audience, it should be conducted WITH them…checking-in throughout--or at the minimum, at the end—to gauge perspective is an important component of the experience.  Know what’s “different” at the end of your presentations!  Be curious.  Enjoy and savor the interaction…

Initiating Difficult Conversations

My brother, Cliff, recently forwarded an article from the Wall Street Journal titled, “Friendly Fight: A Smarter Way to Say ‘I’m Sorry’” (April 19, 2011).  The article shared five steps for when you’re angry with someone else:

1)      Calm Down

2)      Acknowledge the Difficulty (of having the conversation)

3)      Say ‘I’ not ‘you’

4)      Find out WHY

5)      Say Everything (put it ALL on the table)

The 4^th step is fascinating to me.  We have become a nation somewhat obsessed with the need to know “why?”  We want to know why Lindsey Lohan keeps making apparently poor decisions and why Bernie Madoff scammed all of those unsuspecting investors.  We also want to know WHY our child didn’t do his homework; why our co-worker was so critical of our idea; and why our partner didn’t follow-through on what they said they’d do.

In the context of this article, they have identified “finding out why” as an apparently necessary step when confronting someone with something they’ve done that resulted in our own anger/disappointment.  But, perhaps the “why” isn’t so important.  What, essentially, is the goal when we confront someone?  It might be tempting to think it’s to make the other feel our pain, or deliver some good ol’ fashioned guilt, or vent our general frustration.  However, if we really think about it…shouldn’t the goal be to inspire the other person to consider not doing “it” anymore, or to follow-through on the “thing” they had committed to before?

In this case, we are dealing with a CHOICE the other person has to make moving forward (hopefully, to modify their behavior)…and Aristotle, that Master of Rhetoric, counseled us long ago that if debating where CHOICE is involved (called “Deliberative Rhetoric”), we should seek to use the Future Tense as dialogue progresses.  So, asking about “why” seems to focus our energy in the past—while ultimately we should be trying to influence the other’s behavior moving forward. 

Consider giving up the need to know “why” when confronting another: if the reason “why” they did “it” is relevant, they’ll tell you.  If it doesn’t come up, chances are they’ll be focused forward considering altering their behavior. Is the goal to understand why someone did something, or to ensure they consider not doing “it” again?